Anko, Murderous Parole Officer
by Lord22
Summary: Anko Mitarashi wasn't sure what was expecting to happen when she demanded Naruto do something about Orochimaru after the war. But she wasn't expecting to be assigned as his parole officer. Now she's responsible for ensuring his redemption. Naturally, Anko is planning her sensei's murder and vice versa. Just as long as they say sorry after the deed is done, it should be fine...
1. New World, New Job

**Chapter One: New World, New Job**

Anko opened her eyes.

The curvaceous, violet haired ninja was cold. Very cold actually, like she'd been sleeping for a hundred years with the heat off. But last night, well, it hadn't been very eventful. She hardly remembered it, like she'd been asleep all her life. Gradually memories came to her, and she realized why she was back in the Leaf.

Wait, she'd never left, had she?

Actually, she'd been drinking a lot since the war. But she couldn't really piece together the details. Which was strange, she couldn't get drunk. "Uh, how long was I asleep? Geeze, I feel like I just got out of a cocoon, or shed my skin. What did I drink last night?" Her vision cleared. "I was... watching the moon?"

Anko stood up and began to take a shower, letting the hot waterfall over her. The sensation of it soaking her helped warm her. Well, wherever Anko had been, she was here now and needed to make her mark on all this.

Quickly she got dressed in her usual nets and long coat before tying her hair up. Then she checked the calendar for her schedule. "Ah, great. I've got a meeting with the brat today."

Picking up the necessary paperwork, Anko made her way to the Hokage's office.

* * *

Naruto looked like he was enjoying being in the seat. He'd better after all the boasting he'd done. Swiveling it around, he smiled widely and sat up. "Anko-sensei, I'm glad you've finally recovered from things. And..." He trailed off.

"What?" said Anko.

"Well, um, somehow I feel like you'd gained weight or something," said Naruto.

An image of herself as an obese mockery flashed before her eyes, and Anko's knife came out instantly. How did it end up by Naruto's throat? Oh well, it belonged there. Anko smiled. "You want to repeat that?"

"Hold on, hold on, I'm just kidding!" said Naruto, leaning back. "You know if you kill me, it'd be treason, right?!"

Anko took the point and removed hers. It had been a long time since she'd been here. Hang on, what was she thinking? The war had ended months ago. The chaos of reorganizing things and burying the dead had overtaken everything. So why did it feel all new to her?

Anko almost felt like the war never ended.

"So um, what was it you wanted to talk to me about?" asked Naruto.

Anko drew out a folder and put it on his desk. "Read this, Hokage."

Naruto picked it up warily. "What's this?"

"It's a record of Orochimaru's experiments I pulled from the Sound Village after I was freed," said Anko. Was she freed? Freed from what?

God, whatever she'd drunk last night, she needed to get more of it.

Naruto read it. He blinked and winced as he did so. "Oh.

"Wow, um, uh, this is..."

"Men, women, and children, suffering horrifically slow and tortured deaths," said Anko. "Kabuto helped you know. He was responsible for making sure they lasted as long as possible so Orochimaru could have his fun."

"Well, um, this is uh... pretty bad," said Naruto, putting the documents on the opposite side of the table.

"And your friend Sasuke? The one you redeemed?" asked Anko. "He helped foil prisoner escapes and rounded up new experimental subjects for Orochimaru.

"Remember those Sound Ninja you fought with?"

"Um, they were Dosu, Kin, and Zaku, right?" asked Naruto.

"Yep," said Anko, smiling cheerfully. "They're all dead. Orochimaru sacrificed them as part of a dark ritual. One by which he could draw the souls of Hashirama and Tobirama from their rightful afterlife. He then used them to kill the Third Hokage, the guy who was like a grandfather to you."

"Well, um..." Naruto shifted nervously.

"And the only way the Third could stop them was by dragging their souls into oblivion," noted Anko.

"Okay, so Orochimaru has done some pretty bad things," said Naruto. "But I mean, he saw the error of his ways, and he's good now."

Did... did Naruto seriously believe his own hype? Anko stared at him, unable to comprehend how anyone could be so detached from reality. But what was reality? No, not the point.

The point was...

Anko was at a loss for words. "Good now?! I... how could you..." The mere association of the words 'Orochimaru' and 'good' seemed wrong.

"Well, he helped us against Madara," said Naruto as though that made it all better.

"To save the world!" said Anko. "The one he lived in! He doesn't actually regret anything he's done! He hasn't even apologized for any of it!

"All he did was decide not to fight you after you got so powerful he couldn't possibly beat him!"

"Huh? What do you mean?" asked Naruto,

Okay, time to stop calling Naruto Hokage. "Okay, Naruto, I realize you like to think the best of people, so I'm going to break this down for you. Orochimaru wants to be able to do his experiments without interference. No matter how utterly depraved and monstrous, those experiments are.

"Right now, Orochimaru has a lab, free reign to do as he wishes, and a completely blank slate. He does not regret anything he has done. If he regrets anything, it's that he lost. So, what do you think Orochimaru is going to do as soon as nobody is looking."

"So, um... you're saying that Orochimaru might slip back into the darkness as Sasuke did?" asked Naruto.

"In a manner of speaking," said Anko. In Sarutobi's day, she could have just murdered the fucker, and that would be the end of it. "Now, if that happens, he will probably go right back to horrific experiments."

"So... we should do something to make sure that doesn't happen," said Naruto.

"Good," said Anko. "So, you are the Hokage. What are we going to do about this unrepentant, utterly monstrous individual? Who, by the way, has completely outlived his usefulness?" Just agree, send out the ANBU, and put a Rasengan through his skull, problem solved.

"I'm assigning you to him as a parole officer," said Naruto.

"Great," said Anko, "do you want a clean kill, or do you- wait what?!"

"Yeah, I mean, you were his student, right?" said Naruto, giving that same innocent expression. "So, I'm sure you'll be able to keep him from slipping back into the darkness."

Was he real? Maybe Anko should move on to the next item on the agenda. "Yeah, okay.

"So, what are you doing about Kabuto?"

"Well, he was planning to found an orphanage-" began Naruto.

No. Just no. That was too much. "AN ORPHANAGE?!" screamed Anko at the top of her lungs. "ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?!"

Naruto blinked. "What's wrong with that? He wants to make up for what he's done."

Anko gasped for air as she tried to comprehend the idea of Kabuto taking care of kids. "I... he... he's fucking Kabuto! His primary responsibility was manipulating young children into giving their bodies to Orochimaru! Either literally, or as sacrifices for his sick necromantic jutsu!

**"AND YOU WANT TO GIVE HIM EASY ACCESS TO A LIMITLESS SUPPLY OF EASILY MANIPULATED WAR ORPHANS!"**

Naruto paused, thought about it, then nodded. "...Yeah, you're right. That's a terrible idea.

"I think uh... I'd better put Orochimaru and Kabuto under house arrest."

Anko stared at him, open-mouthed. What was there to say to this? She could call it naivety, but Naruto had basically conquered the world. So did that make her the naive one? No, no, that couldn't be. "Wow. What decisive leadership."

"Okay, so what's your problem with Sasuke?" asked Naruto.

"He committed treason and abandoned the Leaf in its darkest hour to join their primary enemy." Said Anko. "He betrayed every single faction he worked with at least once. And he abandoned two sets of friends to die so he could pursue personal vendettas.

"Oh, and there was a small thing, no biggie, might want to read up on this. HE PLANNED TO MURDER EVERYONE WHO DISAGREED WITH HIM SO HE COULD RULE THE PLANET!"

"Well, yeah, but he said he was sorry. So that's all even," said Naruto simply.

Anko stared. Her vision was going blurry, and she felt something wet coming down her face from her eyes. No words, there were no words. "I... but uh..."

"Are you okay?" asked Naruto.

"I... I think I'm having an aneurysm," said Anko.

"Right, I'll call Sakura. I got pretty excited when Sasuke came back to us, too," said Naruto.

Anko's scream could be heard for miles. Her vision blurred, and she fell back into that blissful dream world. A place where things actually made sense.

* * *

Reality had changed.

For one thing, the Leaf Village was built over a huge crater. For another, Orochimaru and Kabuto were now model citizens again. Having done... nothing to warrant it.

Kabuto was astounded that Naruto wasn't dead yet.

Even so, he and Orochimaru entered the office. Lord Orochimaru took the lead. "So, Naruto, I believe you wanted to speak with us."

Kabuto decided to take the lead in this. Once he set up an orphanage, Lord Orochimaru would have access to a ready supply of subjects. There were now millions of homeless orphans thanks to the war. Nobody would miss a few dozen. And Naruto was no Sarutobi.

Even if he found out, they could probably talk their way into a pardon. "Yes. I was hoping to start my orphanage soon-"

Naruto laughed hysterically, before halting and looking at him, dead serious. "No.

"I'm not giving you an orphanage. I mean, you guys are pretty much the creepiest people I know. And you're not exactly good with kids."

"I am-" began Orochimaru.

"Using people as disposable pawns does not count as 'good.'" said Naruto.

"From that point of view, I suppose I am somewhat inexperienced," admitted Orochimaru.

Obviously, Naruto had some competent advisors. Perhaps Kabuto would have to be somewhat less blatant. He was still amazed that anyone had bought that story of him, realizing he was secretly a good person all along. Sasuke, at least, should have called him on it. Then again, Sasuke probably didn't care.

"Anyway, I've decided both of you, being totally unrepentant-" began Naruto.

"My only regret is that I did not destroy the Leaf, gain the Sharingan and become a god," said Orochimaru with a smile.

Only in the Leaf. The sooner they destroyed this place, again, the better.

"-yes, that, I've decided you're close to falling back into darkness," said Naruto with a smile. "So I've decided to put you under house arrest for the next three weeks, so you can think about what you've done. After that, we'll talk about the orphanage."

"That sounds reasonable enough," said Kabuto.

"And Anko is going to be your parole officer," said Naruto.

Kabuto's smile faded. So did Lord Orochimaru's. "...What?"

"Yeah, she was your old student, right?" said Naruto.

"That much is true; however, I am unsure her temperament-" began Orochimaru.

"No way, I'm sure you guys will get on great," said Naruto.

"Hold a moment, Naruto," said Kabuto. "Anko is well-documented for her anger issues and hatred for us."

"Well, I'm sure you'll move past that after a bit of bonding," said Naruto.

"Bonding?" asked Kabuto. "She has a homicidal grudge against us, ever since Orochimaru experimented on her and-"

"Have you tried saying sorry?" asked Naruto.

Kabuto blinked. "Excuse me?"

"Have you tried saying sorry?" repeated Naruto.

Oh yes, saying sorry would make up for genocide, torture, and crimes against nature. Anko would just forget all that. What world did Naruto live in?

"...No, no, that has not occurred to me as an option," said Kabuto.

"Well try it, I'm sure it'll all work out," said Naruto, before handing them an address. "Here's the place you'll be staying at. You'll head there right away."

* * *

The house where they were supposed to be staying was a large one, two stories. Recent construction, since it hadn't been made by Yamato. It had a nice porch and a lawn of nothing but grass.

As they approached, Kabuto shook his head. "I can't decide whether Naruto is really that stupid. Or if he's only pretending to be."

Orochimaru reached the door and opened. "It is one more mystery for the ages. No matter, Anko is far inferior to us in terms of power. And she wouldn't dare-"

And then kunai came down from above, plunging into Orochimaru's arms and legs and pinning him to the floor. Kabuto looked up in time to see Anko descending with a massive steel rod. Before he could move, she plunged through his chest. Agonizing, blinding pain shot through Kabuto as he was pinned to the ground.

"Got you, you bastard!" snarled Anko, surging forward at Orochimaru and pulling a muzzle over his mouth. "No, Orochimaru, you aren't going to get out of this by shedding your skin. I bought this muzzle, especially for you."

Kabuto tried to pull the spike out, but Anko came at him, pulling his hand down and impaling it into the floor. Kabuto heard himself scream as the same thing was done to his hands and feet. Then Anko stretched with a psychotic smile. He walked over to grab some oil, which she began pouring over them.

Around them, all around them, were hundreds of explosive tags.

"Now, let's see, oil, check. Explosive tags, check," said Anko, kneeling by them. "Everything we have to burn you two to death. Any last words?"

Kabuto forced his medical jutsu to dull his pain and tried to think. It was agonizing, and he was burning all over as oil dripped over his face. "Um... sorry?"

Anko suddenly hesitated, looking touched and contemplative. "Oh, well, now that you've said you're sorry that instantly makes up for it all. Genocide, crimes against humanity, and brutalizing and betraying me? Water under the bridge now."

"Really?" asked Kabuto.

The contemplation disappeared as Anko laughed hysterically. Then she drew out a match and lighting it on her headband. There was a very wide smile on her face, just like Naruto's. "No."

"Now hold on, you're our parole officer!" said Kabuto, looking to where Orochimaru was struggling and back. "What do you think Naruto will do when-"

"I'll say I'm sorry," said Anko, smile looking like it might split her face in half.

Kabuto blinked. "...That'll do it."

Anko dropped the match.

There were a few minutes of agonizing fiery pain, and then the house exploded.

* * *

Anko was practically in tears as she confessed to Naruto.

Granted, they were tears of happiness, but he didn't have to know that. "...And so, I... I was overcome with what happened to me, all those hours lying and watching the other children die. I got really angry, and before I knew what I was doing, I pinned them to the ground with kunai.

"And I... I knew it was wrong, but I poured oil all over them. Then set explosive tags all over the house and blew the whole place to smithereens. I was reckless and horrible, and...

"Actually it was some of my best work, neither one of the bastards saw it coming. I remember Kabuto was screaming at the top of his lungs when the whole house fell down on top of him. It was hilarious!" Anko realized she had stood up straight and was smiling again. "And the worst part is, even now, when I think of it, I enjoy the memory! I'm a monster!

"But um, I feel terrible. I'm sorry. Really, really, really, sorry."

Naruto looked close to tears and clasped her hand reassuringly. "You're not a monster, Anko. I realize what happened to you was horrible. We just have to live on in..."

The door opened, and Orochimaru and Kabuto walked into the room. Their clothes were burned and damaged, and they were covered in minor burns. But at present, they were disappearing.

They did look really pissed off, though.

"Orochimaru, Kabuto, you're both alive!" said Naruto happily.

"What?" said Anko. "Impossible! I... am..." Get back in character and smile. She forced a smile. "I am relieved to see you both alive. Can you ever forgive me?"

"Yes. Indeed," said Orochimaru, forcing a similar smile. "And... of course... we can.

"Super regeneration is such a wonderful thing, is it not?"

Anko nodded, reminding herself that knifing out Orochimaru's eyes would break the masquerade. "Y-yep, yep, it sure is, Orochimaru-sensei." She felt like throwing up.

"See, everything is fine now," said Naruto. "Anyway, I kind of need you guys to rebuild the house."

"What?" said Kabuto.

"Yeah, it's sort of a D rank thing," said Naruto. "Pretty expensive. Anko, you're in charge of construction."

Good, there would be plenty of chances to murder them there. Make it look like an accident. "I... yes, yes I am. I... look forward to... making friends with you both. Very, very, slowly." And painfully.

"Believe me, Anko," said Orochimaru, voice almost a hissing snarl. "The feeling is entirely mutual."

"Naturally, of course, it must be done in a way that does not impose on the Hokage's tender sensibilities." Said Kabuto, looking to Naruto.

"Of course," said Anko. She'd make them wish they'd died in the fire before she was done.

"Oh, you guys don't have to stand on ceremony around me, this is just a day job really," said Naruto.

"Of course it is," said Orochimaru.

"Man, a world of forgiveness and love sure is-" began Naruto.

Everyone turned on him in unison. **"SHUT UP!"**

* * *

**Author's Note:**

This is what I choose to believe happened with Anko, Orochimaru, and Kabuto after the events of the series. Honestly, having Anko act as a parole officer for the two of them would be the best possible conclusion for her. It gives some kind of closure to her character while opening avenues for shippers.


	2. Crossing the Line Twice

**Chapter Two: Crossing the Line Twice**

That was Anko's dream, at any rate.

As she looked at the bottom of her glass at the bar she wondered if merely having a dream made it come true. The mental picture of Orochimaru screaming and burning horribly alongside Kabuto was... satisfied. Anko, for a moment, had felt as if she'd really been there.

But, of course, she couldn't kill Orochimaru. That would be too easy. "Where the hell do I go from here?"

"Is something wrong, Anko?" asked a familiar voice. "You seem, um, distant?"

Anko looked up and saw Kurenai, on her own for once. For a moment, Anko wished alcohol gave her more than a slight buzz. She wished her vision was blurry. "I've been the damn parole officer for Orochimaru for months. In that time nothing has happened. No kunai ending up in my bed, no attempts at murder, and I haven't killed him or Kabuto outside my fantasies."

"You mean nothing has happened?" asked Kurenai.

"No, why?" asked Anko, finishing it off.

"Well..." said Kurenai, brushing brown hair away from her red eyes. "I could have sworn I read something about a fire a few months back. Wasn't there an attempt on his life?"

"Dozens," said Anko miserably. "There have been dozens of attempts on Orochimaru's life, Kurenai. And I've ended up foiling a lot of them, What kind of parole officer would I be if I let the guy I'm supposed to reform die?"

"Is professionalism that important to you?" asked Kurenai, raising an eyebrow.

"Not really," admitted Anko. "Most of the saps trying to murder Orochimaru are amateurs. I'd pity them if they ever got within ten feet of him. People with relatives he experimented on. Also the Sound Village."

"The Sound Village hates him?" asked Kurenai.

"What do you expect?" asked Anko. "He used them as a disposable tool and killed off their best ninja to get Sasuke. Then he sold them out for a pardon from Naruto.

"They are not happy.

"Anyway, it really doesn't matter. I don't stand a chance of killing him, so if they can't get past me it's a suicide mission."

Kurenai shifted in concern. "Anko, are you... talking to other people?"

"Hmm, what do you mean?" asked Anko, forcing a smile.

"Well, I just... I haven't seen you around at all," said Kurenai. "I feel like... like you disappeared from the village for years and have only just shown back up."

"It's been five months, Kurenai," said Anko, leaning back in her seat.

"Yes, I know. That's why this disturbs me," said Kurenai. "I feel...

"Do you ever get the feeling that you're under a genjutsu?"

"What?" asked Anko.

"A genjutsu," said Kurenai. "I mean, when I faced Itachi Uchiha, he put me into a genjutsu before I even made a move. I... I've heard the Sharingan can do things to people.

"That it can strip away your sense of time and space and make you exist in a world where the wielder is a god."

"What's your point?" asked Anko.

"I... well I keep wondering if I ever left," said Kurenai. "Maybe I never got out of Itachi's genjutsu and I'm lying in a hospital bed somewhere in a coma."

"Is Asuma still dead?" asked Anko. She felt wretched asking the question, but she wouldn't be surprised if she was wrong.

Kurenai looked shocked. "You know the answer, Anko."

"Did millions of people get brutally slaughtered in the Fourth Shinobi World War?" asked Anko.

"Yes," said Kurenai.

"Well then, there's your answer," said Anko. "There is no way Itachi would ever go to the trouble of creating an illusion this original and complex for you.

"He's an Uchiha, which makes him the fucking center of the universe.

"You think he'd bother with anything special for some random jonin he'd never even met before."

"I think you've drunk too much, Anko," said Kurenai.

No, she hadn't. And Anko would make a solid counterpoint. "I haven't drunk enough.

"When I start hallucinating the universe is actually making sense, then we'll talk."

Kurenai shifted, looking at her. Anko had the feeling someone else was looking through her? "Anko, what's your ideal world?"

"What?" asked Anko.

"I'm curious," said Kurenai. "What world, if you could choose, would be ideal for you?"

"How the hell should I know?" asked Anko, looking up at the ceiling and watching reality.

"You mean you haven't given it any thought," said Kurenai.

"Of course I haven't given it any fucking thought." snapped Anko. "I spent the first decade and a half of my life trying to please Orochimaru-sensei. Then the next few years were spent getting stronger. That and screaming my lungs out from the curse mark.

"Now it's just... nothing.

"Absolutely nothing. I can't kill the fucker. I had this fantasy, you know, of ambushing him and murdering him and Kabuto.

"I guess I stopped Kabuto from owning an orphanage, so that's something.

"Nothing.

"I want nothing."

Kurenai looked down. "I'm sorry."

Anko stood up. "I'm going to head for home. Do you want to come with me?" She wished she had some companionship, now.

"I, well I need to get home myself," said Kurenai, looking away.

Anko sighed. "Fine."

* * *

The next morning Anko entered Orochimaru's lab and found him working. Before him was a circle of power and scientific equipment was all around him. Orochimaru himself had set a box at the center of the circle.

This didn't look good.

"What is this, Orochimaru?" asked Anko.

"I should think that is obvious, Anko," said Orochimaru. "I am in the midst of an experiment of unrivaled importance. A gesture of goodwill to the Leaf for their mercy."

"What gesture?" asked Anko.

"The recent deaths among the Leaf have been widespread and terrible," said Orochimaru. "It is my goal to create the means by which the dead may be brought back."

"You aren't using the Edo Tensei," said Anko flatly. "We've had enough of that already."

"It is a variant," said Orochimaru. "Ordinarily the Edo Tensei requires an equivalent exchange. But with certain alterations, it is possible to return someone without human sacrifice."

"What do you mean? Like an animal sacrifice?" asked Anko, surprised.

"Well I had planned to use a puppy, but the Inuzuka Clan objected," said Orochimaru. "The same for all the higher intelligence animals.

"So instead I created a new sentient creature!" He motioned and the box opened. An ungodly screeching could be heard as Anko saw what seemed to be a limbless sack of flesh. Bone protrusions came out of it with no rhyme or reason and agonized cries came from a toothless maw.

"You can't create a sentient creature just to kill them!" said Anko in horror.

"Don't worry," said Orochimaru. "The creature is nothing more than a flawed prototype. It exists in perpetual agony, incapable of doing anything more than screaming.

"Really, it's a mercy to take them out of his world."

"Why would you create something whose whole purpose was to exist in agony?" asked Anko. Stupid question, why wouldn't he?

"Well obviously because their existence would be wholly miserable. Therefore I could euthanize them without any moral outrage," said Orochimaru.

"Moral... outrage?" said Anko. "This is... this is the worst thing you've ever done."

"Neji Hyuga was known as a great hero because he sacrificed himself as he was supposed to," said Orochimaru. "Even though he'd never had a chance to choose anything else. If fulfilling a purpose one did not choose is heroism, so is this."

More screeching as the bag of flesh spewed out blood. Anko strove to speak, but no words came out. She went for her kunai and then remembered she wasn't allowed to kill him. Her mouth had dropped open, hadn't it?

"Hmm, I wasn't expecting you to understand," said Orochimaru. "In any case, I already created enough of the creatures to fulfill my requirements. Do you want them to fulfill the purpose for which they were created? Or just kill them now and bring no one back?"

Anko tried to process the sheer horror of this. Oh wait, she lived in a world where Itachi was considered a fucking messiah. A guy who committed genocide, patricide, matricide, and fratricide. Nobody would care about this, would they? "...I think I'll bring this to the Hokage?"

"So you think consigning these poor creatures to a slow, wasting death of agony is preferable? As opposed to just killing them to bring back the dead?" asked Orochimaru.

"What are you talking about?" asked Anko.

"Naruto Uzumaki is very staunch in his no-killing policy, isn't he?" said Orochimaru.

"He'll be willing to compromise-" began Anko. Then she saw Orochimaru's smile. The pained wheezes continued for a moment. Anko reluctantly concluded that they were better off dead. Naruto would probably keep them on life support. Orochimaru had created a situation where an unholy blood ritual was the right thing to do. "-fine.

"You can bring back the fucking dead. Now, who do you have in mind?"

"Simple enough," said Orochimaru. "I will need only one of each creature to resurrect a person. My plan, therefore, is to resurrect several figures from the Sound who I led to their death in penance. And you need not fear, they will not be bound to my will in any way."

"Anyone else?" asked Anko.

"...Well, I suppose there is Neji Hyuga," said Orochimaru reluctantly. "I gather he was a close friend of Naruto Uzumaki."

"Do him first," said Anko.

The last thing they needed was Orochimaru reassembling the sound. Orochimaru smiled widely and drew up a vial of blood. Pouring it over the circle, a glow radiated. The Snake Sannin set his hand and the ritual began. "Very well then. I shall now perform an altered Edo Tensei, that brings back the dead in the flesh of a true body!" The agonized screeching reached a crescendo as a fire burned the thing to death. Black and unnatural darkness rose around them,

Out of the circle appeared Neji Hyuga, clad as he had been in life. His eyes were closed. Orochimaru yelled in triumph. "Let the borders between worlds howl in despair! For I, Orochimaru, have conquered death-"

Neji opened his eyes. "Orochimaru!"

And then Neji surged forward and started using the gentle fist on him. "Eight trigrams! Eight palms! Sixteen palms! Thirtytwo palms! Sixty-four palms!"

"Ah! Get him off! Get him off!" screamed Orochimaru as he was pummeled by dozens of gentle fists. "A hundred and twenty-eight palms! Two hundred and fifty-six palms!"

Orochimaru was spitting blood as he fell to the ground, as Neji kept beating him nonstop.

Anko laughed hysterically till it hurt. "I dunno, sensei, I think maybe we should let him continue. You know, see if the ritual really works."

Neji stopped and glanced at her and halted the beating. "Anko Mitarashi, I trust you have an explanation reason for this?"

"Nope," said Anko, smiling wide. "Go ahead and kill him."

Orochimaru shed his skin and emerged, before spitting out blood. That's right, the gentle fist attacked chakra. So logically it would be effective against Orochimaru. After all, he healed by shedding his physical form. An attack that damaged the chakra networks might bypass such regeneration.

Neji surged forward-

And then the door opened as Naruto walked in. With him was a brown-haired girl with hair buns. Tenten, right? "Hey, Orochimaru you wanted to talk to us about..." Naruto halted. "Um.."

"Neji, how are you... you're alive!" said Tenten.

Anko sighed. "This is going to be an awkward conversation."

For once, though, Anko was looking forward to Orochimaru having to explain this.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

Hey, remember when the Edo Tensei was an unholy technique akin to necromancy? I remember. Orochimaru sees a return to form in this chapter.


	3. Back to Basics

**Chapter Three: Back to Basics**

Three hours later, Neji was not happy.

He stormed out of the office, Anko, Naruto, and Tenten trailing behind. Orochimaru was skulking in the shadows to watch the show as they walked out. He was not at all happy about Naruto's recent policies.

At first, he'd listened keenly, then started to shift uneasily. Then he'd raised objections, which Naruto had not responded to. At last, Neji stormed out in a fury. Naruto, being Hokage, promptly abandoned the dignity of his office. All to chase after Neji for validation.

"Look," said Naruto as they moved into the street.

"Trust you?" Neji turned around. "Naruto, I like you, but I will ten days dead before I ever trust you again."

"Oh come on, when have I ever lied to you?" asked Naruto.

Neji raised a hand with a finger then lowered it. Finally, he took a deep breath. "Okay, I'll tell you.

"Remember that time where you inspired me with hope, since if you a nobody can amount to something, surely I could? And I was supposed in the wrong for believing that fate cannot be changed?"

"Yeah, I mean, I beat you and proved anyone could fight fate," said Naruto.

Anko put her face in her hands.

"No, you didn't!" said Neji. "You just said that, and everyone believed you!"

"But I did beat you against all the odds," said Naruto.

"It was only against all the odds because you were lazy!" said Neji.

Bit harsh, but true.

"No, I wasn't. I worked hard-" began Naruto.

"For a few months," said Neji. "Prior to your combat with Mizuki, you were dead last. You hardly ever showed up for class and needed the nine-tails to bail you out against Haku!

"I thought it was beyond understanding how you could have advanced so far so quickly.

"Now, I know why.

"It turns out you're the son of the Fourth Hokage and one of the Uzumaki Clan. You are also the last heir to the ancient Senju Clan. And, if that didn't make you special enough, you're also the reincarnation of a Hashirama and a god.

"I was right. I was 100% absolutely right about everything. I am the modern prophet of this world."

Hmm, Anko hadn't thought of it before. She hadn't watched the Chunin Exams in years, but given everything that happened, Neji had kind of been right. Naruto had been in possession of far better lineage. He'd had less experience, worse training, and a worse attitude to learning. Yet he'd beaten Neji, who was superior to Rock Lee, the 'genius of hard work.'

Naruto shifted beneath his gaze. "Okay, so um, maybe things weren't as clear cut as we thought, but why are you so angry?"

Neji blinked, then looked to where Hinata was approaching. He shifted and finally took off his headband. "What's this on my forehead, Naruto?"

Naruto blinked. "Um, an uh... tattoo..."

"And what does this 'tattoo' symbolize?" asked Neji, eyes narrowing and seeming to spark into a flame.

Naruto rubbed the back of his head as he looked around nervously. People were crowding around now. This was going to be good. "Um, well, it's a uh... Hinata, you know what that is right?"

"It's a Caged Bird Seal, Naruto," said Hinata.

Anko wondered if she could use a jutsu to melt into the floor. This was... embarrassing.

"Caged... uh... what?" asked Naruto.

"You forgot." hissed Neji, shaking with rage.

"Forgot what?" asked Naruto.

Neji punched him. The blow struck Naruto across the face, and the nine-tails jinchuuriki's entire body moved with it. It sent him flying backward to crash into the wall of the Hokage building. Anko whistled, impressed.

"You promised you'd change the Hyuga!" snarled Neji. "What, do you think I just randomly started being nice to you because you beat me into the dirt?"

"Um, kinda," said Naruto.

Neji was shaking. For a moment, it seemed as if his eyes were bursting into blue flame. His teeth were gritted as a hand went for a kunai. Anko shifted as Kiba came out. "...You entitled son of a bitch," said Neji.

"Hey, I resent that remark!" said Kiba. "It promotes negative stereotypes about-"

Neji punched him too, and Kiba smashed into the wall. And he looked a lot more like the kid who had faced Naruto in the arena. And a lot less than the youngest jonin. "Nobody cares what failures resent, Kiba. You've lost every fight you've ever had that mattered. The extent of your importance was jobbing to Sakon long enough for Kankuro to one shot.

"Kankuro! The poster child for irrelevant and useless powersets!"

Apparently, Kankuro was here on a visit because he stepped forward. "Hey! Just who the hell do you think you are to talk down to me or my style."

"Get over it, you face painted failure." snapped Neji. "Your special abilities are useless."

"My puppetmaster jutsu is an ancient technique that takes years to master!" snapped Kankuro. "And I didn't have it handed to me at birth like you, Hyuga!"

"Yes, and the greatest puppetmaster in history was Sasori. Who was killed by Sakura Haruno," replied Neji. "Sakura. Haruno. The physical manifestation of failing upwards as a concept."

"That's a little harsh, don't you think," said Naruto.

"Not fucking harsh enough, given that you're the one who promoted her!" snapped Neji. "I not only got injured, making sure you became Hokage. I fucking DIED for you! And this is how you repay my sacrifice! You have time to pardon every war criminal on the planet but not to pass one decree outlawing the Caged Bird Seal!"

"I'm not really big on paperwork, but I mean-" began Naruto.

Neji punched him again. "No, no, I'm done. I'm not listening to these promises anymore."

At that moment, Tenten stepped forward and grabbed him by the shoulder. "Hey, uh, Neji, listen I realize that this is hard for you but, um, Guy-sensei and Lee will want to-"

"Those failures can wait." snapped Neji.

Tenten blinked. "Failures?"

"Um, Neji, you're acting as you did in the old days," said Hinata, sounding afraid.

"My, what a remarkable grasp of the obvious you have Hinata," said Neji. "I'm pleased to see your Byakugan has developed to a level where it can perceive things on the surface."

"Hey, Neji, knock it off! Leave Hinata out of this!" said Naruto, standing up.

"Oh no, I have been down that road, and it is a dead-end," said Neji. Then he looked back to Hinata. "So, Lady Hinata, now that you're glorious career of getting beaten up by me, then Pain, what are your ambitions?"

Hinata shifted as everyone looked on. "Well, um, I was planning on sort of settling down with the war-"

"Oh, I see," said Neji. "You plan to become an ordinary housewife. Hopefully, produce some children who are not quite as worthless as you are. Hiashi, always did say you were completely unqualified to be a ninja.

"This just confirms it."

"Enough!" said Naruto, radiating nine-tails chakra.

"Does anything I've said count as worse than performing lethal experiments on children?" asked Neji flatly.

That question killed the nine-tails energy right quick. Naruto obviously had no idea how to answer that. Murmurs came from the crowd. "Well... um..."

"He's got a point," said Orochimaru, coming out of the shadows.

Neji looked at Orochimaru with a glare that said he was next. "Oh, the reminds me of Orochimaru. How did that whole search for ultimate power for out for you? Let's you... you lost your army to Sarutobi, your alliance with the Sand to yourself. Then you got your entire genin team killed so that you could get Sasuke.

"Only instead of throwing him into prison for three years, you trained up to a level where he could kill you. Oh, but your spirit persisted, and you were thus able to get humiliated over and over again until you just gave up.

"You started out your career as the Satanic Archetype of the entire ninja world and now look at you. You're a stupid old man, desperate attempt to distract himself from the fact that he is a failure. One tolerated only by the whims of the Uchiha and Senju you so envied.

"A desperate attempt to get noticed. All so you can distract himself from the obvious. That you do not have the Sharingan or the Rinnegan, and therefore you were totally insignificant from the very moment of your birth. You will never have the Sharingan. You will NEVER be an Uchiha."

Orochimaru opened his mouth and tried to speak, looking a bit hurt. "...I uh...

"I think I need a minute."

And he walked off.

Neji turned to walk off, and Anko and Tenten trailed behind. Then Team 10 rushed up. Shikamaru with his hair tied up and the flak jacket. Ino, blonde hair tied up and wearing violet shirts and belly-shirt. And Choji, wearing his green vest.

Ino moved forward. "Hey, guys, we just saw Orochimaru running off crying. You know what's going on here?"

"Ah, the Ino-Shika-Cho team," said Neji. "I suppose I'll begin with the lump of lard."

Wait, had he called Choji fat? The fool! Anko and Tenten quickly stepped aside as Shikamaru and Ino ducked for cover. Choji's face became a furious scowl as he seemed more a demon than a person. "Are you calling me fat?!"

"Yes, Choji, I am," said Neji simply. "You are fat. Obese. Overweight. You have a significantly higher body weight than is healthy for one of your size. You eat too many calories compared to the amount of exercise you gain daily. You are in need of severe fitness training.

"Were I a petulant schoolchild, the term 'fatso' would be appropriate.

"Now, what are you going to do about it!"

With great wrath, Choji transformed into his human boulder attack. He surged forward and was instantly deflected by Neji's kaiten. Landing some distance away, Choji began got up, and then Neji was on him.

One flurry of the gentle fist later, and Choji was on the ground drooling.

"I really don't see why anyone stands on eggshells around you," said Neji. "You've lost every single fight you've ever been involved in; I'm not worried. Even if you go into your human boulder form, it will only result in me crushing you that much faster." Then he kneeled down, opened Choji's bag, and took out a bag of potato chips. Opening one, he sampled them. "These are excellent chips.

"I recommend you do some jogging." Then he threw them out.

Well, that was brutal but not untrue.

"Who the hell do you think you are, mister!" said Ino. "I'll-" She stopped, even as she raised a finger and saw Neji gazing at her.

"You'll do what, Ino?" asked Neji. "Your most notable accomplishment is looking good in leather. Why are you even a ninja anyway? You could probably make more money in a photoshoot, and you'd be more useful than you are now.

"Tell me, how's that rivalry with Sakura Haruno going?

"Let's see... Sakura has a neverending stream of failures, while you are irrelevant. Congratulations are in order. Despite not training at all, you have defeated the most worthless ninja in history."

"Sakura isn't... well, I..." Ino shifted.

"Why did you even become a ninja if you didn't want to put any work in?" asked Neji. "I recommend you switch careers to one where an obsession with makeup is a virtue."

"Knock it off," said Shikamaru, and then it was his turn.

"Oh, Shikamaru," said Neji. "No doubt you've come up with two-hundred different contingency plans for this situation. And no doubt every single one of them is bad."

"Hey, Shikamaru is our finest tactician!" said Ino. "His plans always go off without a hitch! And he pulls of victories even with major disadvantages!"

"Putting aside that you are one of those disadvantages, no he isn't," said Neji. "His plans rely on things going according to plan. A good tactician makes a plan that can be adapted. Shikamaru is lucky enough that all his plans work despite them having no right to. And his lack of options in battle is his own fault. He has exactly one worthwhile power, and you two have none.

"If he were a competent tactician, he'd have forced you, idiots, to learn some new powers.

"What were you going to do if Kakazu and Hidan took a route far away from your woodlands? Maintaining shadow jutsu takes significant power over time. What if you ran out before reaching the trap? And why did you even bring Ino and Choji? You didn't have a role for them in the mission?

"How would you have killed them if Kakashi hadn't forced his way onto your team?"

"Well, I-" began Shikamaru.

"Oh, that reminds me, you weren't supposed to kill them, were you?" asked Neji. "That's right. Lady Tsunade ordered you to capture them."

"Instead, you killed both of them.

"And as a result, Jiraiya had to go investigate the Land of Rain, which provoked Pain to attack the Leaf." Neji looked around him. "So congratulations Team 10, you are so incompetent that you made your sensei die for nothing. And, in the same stroke, you killed Naruto's master and turned the LEAF INTO A CRATER!" His voice echoed far and wide.

Tenten blinked. "Hey, actually, that's a good point. I lost my apartment because of your jerks!" And then she kicked Shikamaru in the crotch.

"I... might not have been thinking clearly," admitted Shikamaru, keeling over.

"I don't have any more time for you, Shikamaru," said Neji, walking over to a nearby stand and paying the vendor. "Some of us actually won our fights with the Sound Four. And you three are and always failures purely because of the families you were born into." Then he turned to the assembled failures all around him, and they trembled beneath his gaze. "So, who's next?" And snatching a set of sunglasses from his stand, he set them over his eyes. "Failures beware. Neji the Prophet is back."

This was going to be good.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

I was unsure of how to continue on from the cliffhanger of last time.

And then, I came up with the idea of Neji reverting to his initial jerkass nature. After all, Naruto didn't do any of the things he promised Neji. And later, revelations remove the validity of Neji's character development. If Naruto was destined for greatness because of his blood, then Neji is right.

Why should Neji keep his character development? Recent events have proved that said development was based on a lie.


End file.
